asshole face friends

yes i am the asshole in question. thinking out loud here, but it seems there are occurrences in life, situations we create for ourselves, that cause a crisis that didn't have to exist. the reasons why we do this? i don't know.

there is something to be said for learning from your fuck ups. but the cost seems to outweigh the benefits, at least from where i stand right now it seems so. the cause celbre for the incident i'm currently venting about was alcohol. but i don't believe the alcohol binge was the primary culprit in this particular asshole face incident.

no, i believe that my own daily refusal to live my life out loud is what prompted me to binge and thus act out in such a way that one of my closest friends in the world doesn't want to talk to me. and i can't blame her. i won't even argue the point with her because i know she's right. i know why i did what i did too.

i did it because i think about her in a romantic way. i think about kissing her, holding her close to me. but because of a thousand rationalities ranging from, "we'd never last even if we tried to be together..." to "she's just no way interested in me like that...." i keep my thoughts trapped in my mind. i lavish her with my time, listening to all her life and offering her counsel, all while secretly hoping to one day claim her as my girl.

the booze was just a release that allowed me to act out what i wanted. not fully, but just enough to release to the point where i did things that made her horribly uncomfortable. what to do now? learn to not be so cerebral, to be more vocal, to not binge drink. and hope my friend one day forgives me. whatever the case i just have to keep living.